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Rule number one of chucking a sickie in a country town is don't go anywhere other than the chemist, doctor's surgery, or if it's genuinely required, the hospital emergency department. You don't go to the pub, club, shops or beach. You stay home or fuck off to another town and hide there.

But here I was in my dingy hotel room holding a picture of my ex-girlfriend Natasha with the word ‘Surprise' as a caption on my phone. The message had been sent only 30 minutes earlier and by my reckoning she'd been in town for a good 20 minutes by now. What she didn't know is that rather than being at work, I was holed up in my room thinking of Raul and I fucking the teens Georgie and Erin.

I had to respond as if I was at work and that I would meet her later in the afternoon. A simple text was all it took to at least give me four hours of thinking time.

‘Hi babe, wow, this is a surprise!' I wrote, "Of course, I'm at work so how about we meet this afternoon? There's a nice cafe near the bridge, they do a fair pizza, how does that sound around 4?'

‘Sure, can I drop my stuff off at your place?'

Again, my capacity to lie on my feet had improved. ‘Hey you're in luck, I'm actually getting the keys to my place later this afternoon so you ...

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