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Once upon a time a brother and sister lived in the woods with their father and his second wife. They were twins, though not identical, in that one was male and the other female. The girl was called Gretel, and the boy Hansel, though he was known to one and all (except hopefully his parents) as Hand-job, in reference to his fondness for said activity. Their father was a lumberjack, quite possibly the most over-subscribed job in the fairy tale kingdom. His first wife, who'd borne him Hand-Job and Gretel, had disappeared in a bizarre incident when the castle in which she was working froze in time and became surrounded by an immense thorny forest. His second wife was attracted to him by his wood, after he'd got a little drunk in the tavern one night and dropped his trousers.

Because of the glut of woodcutters, lumberjacks and the like in the surrounding area, work was scarce and they weren't well off. The stepmother seemed rather bitter about this, and Hand-job and Gretel felt that she made life difficult for them from the start. At dinnertime, for example, they'd only get three fish fingers instead of the four they were used to, and she switched the toilet paper in their bathroom from the velvet luxury brand that they preferred, to shop's own, which Gretel found a touch abrasive against the delicate skin of her fanny.

When they turned eighteen, their stepmother suggested to their father that it was high time they left home and earned their own keep. ...

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