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I wanted it. I knew I wanted it, and he knew I wanted it. I just couldn't take that step over that threshold—and I kept fooling myself about wanting it.

He owned the exercise facility with another guy. Jake and Ted. I knew they were a couple. I knew that before I signed up for a membership. Jake was the muscle part, the trainer; Ted, a good ten years younger than Jake and maybe three or four years older than I am, was the bookkeeper and the one who saw to it that the gym was kept clean.

Gay guys went to that gym. I knew that before I signed up for a membership. Still, I went there with a little sense of a thrill. I was too frightened to go over that threshold myself, but, still, I could have my thoughts and my fantasies. They didn't hurt anything. I didn't really want to even see them "doing it," I told myself. I just got a little arousal off of watching the guys work out in the gym and knowing that they probably then went off and did it. I could take care of myself, at home, after that little arousal at the gym, on my own bed. No strings, no risks, no decisive changes in life.

There were two types of guys going to Jake and Ted's gym. Young guys, like me, going there to get cut and keep themselves cut and maybe cruising each other a bit—and/or, also like me, fantasizing about what could be if we'd take the chance. These guys worked out hard. And then there was a group of older guys who sort of worked at working out but ...

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