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It's late, and I'm awakened by soft, occasional moans coming from Jake's room. If this were another time, I would know they are the moans of self-pleasure. But they're not. They're moans of pain and sorrow. His wife just died. I know how much he loved her. I know how, after so many years with her, a man of such passion, such ability to give and receive love will have a very difficult time getting through this. I know all of this because he's my best friend. And my lover.

Jake and I have been lovers for years. And more than that; we were friends first, and have been since. We're connected on more than just the physical level. And yet, neither of us was willing to leave our spouse or to give up the life we each led and so ours has been an illicit affair - a love affair for sure - but never being able to be for and to each other all we wished we could be.

This is most obvious in the very distinct boundary he drew from the start of our relationship; no fucking. When I first told him of my feelings for him, his response was, "I'd be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to you, Kayla, but I can't have sexual intercourse with you." Then he kissed me. And so it began. Jake believed that everything else was not adultery, not really - and we did do everything else - but intercourse crossed that line. I even suggested anal sex, but for him that was too close. I happen to disagree with his belief, but I respect it. So we are careful of our passions, keeping them in check and occasionally backing off when things get too tempting. There are ...

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