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Once upon a time, there was a beautiful young lady called Ella. Both of her parents died when she was very young, killed in a tragic incident when a carelessly felled beanstalk deposited a large giant on top of the car in which they were travelling. As a result of this, Ella lived with her Aunt, who had two daughters of her own, Kylie and Danniiiii. Her aunt had married for money, quite a substantial amount of money in fact, but the penalty for this was that she had been saddled with an unlikely and rather embarrassing surname. Not to put too fine a point on it, her married name was Ugly. Her husband had steadfastly, and in the face of considerable and prolonged opposition, refused to change his name, feeling, possibly incorrectly, that the resulting slogan "It's an Ugly business and no mistakes" lifted his accountancy firm above the common herd.

Despite attempts to have their name pronounced "You-glee", the daughters were universally known as the two Ugly sisters, although they had been blessed with the finest looks that money, lots of money, could buy. In a series of painful operations, they had had so many parts sculpted, tucked, reduced, enhanced, exfoliated or removed that poor Mr Ugly could scarcely recognise them, but it was worth it in the end as they both landed lucrative roles starring in a tacky seaside rescue drama. Fortunately the roles required them to do little other than run in slow motion along a beach, jiggling various parts of their anatomy, for although they were top of their classes at school, this was because they were 22 and 23 years old in a class full of eight year olds. ...

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