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I am driving in my car, thinking, knowing, that I should turn around and drive back home. Knowing that where I am going I shouldn't be going but I cannot resist, cannot turn the steering wheel around to turn and go back the way I am driving from. My heart beats faster as I think about what I would like to happen this morning but I doubt it will, doubt I will be so lucky. I carry the thoughts in my head as I have done for a day since waking yesterday morning. I look around me, the sky is blue, it is a beautiful day, a beautiful summery day even though it is September - an Indian summer's day perhaps. I keep driving, keep thinking. I am driving along the coast road, looking at the sea wondering what it would be like to go paddling today, I am distracting myself from where I am going, what I am hoping to do.

I indicate and turn left, I have arrived at my destination. My palms are clammy and I know I shouldn't get out of the car but some unknown force is driving me on, my thoughts are taking over my mind and I cannot block them out. I get out the car and breathe in the fresh coastal air, breathing slow deep breaths to steady my fast beating heart. I am shaking slightly. I press the car boot release button and hear the click as the boot door opens slightly, I walk around the back of the car telling myself its fine and today won't be a problem, I can just go for a walk, it will be fine. I open the boot door just moving my head out of the way so I don't hit myself with it, I am all fingers and thumbs. My dog eagerly jumps out nearly strangling himself with his lead in an effort to start his walk, he enjoys our morning walks in the ...

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