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Neighbourhood Watch

I get genetics; I really do. Mendel, Paley, Darwin, X and Y chromosomes, DNA, the Human Genome Project, protein molecules that combine and define who and what we are; I accept and understand it all. What I can't comprehend, however, is how I've ended up being 5ft 1", with pallid skin, Coppertone hair and breasts that would shame a male weightlifter. How can I possibly be the pinnacle of human evolution? How can this body be seen as an intelligent design?

In truth there is much I love about who I am. I adore being petite and positively bristle with envy if I meet someone slighter than myself. I have come to embrace being 'ginger', wear my hair as a badge of pride and regret that as I've grown older it doesn't have the same vibrant hue it had in my youth; but the one thing I remain unable to love is the insignificant mounds of flesh that grace my chest.

I suffer from breast envy. Take me to a swimming pool and I submerge my body beneath the water, hide my loosely fitting bikini top out of sight and with just my head left to reveal my existence, my eyes dart back and forth lusting after the full cleavages and water splattered orbs of flesh that strain at every swimsuit demanding release.

What can these women have done in a previous life to deserve such succulent, gorgeous breasts? And what dark sins must I have committed ...

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