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Chapter 1: Chatroom

I suppose you could say it all started twenty years ago, during a game of hide-and-seek, when, hidden in a closet while the person who was "it" prowled the room visible only through a tiny vertical streak of light, I realized that being trapped and helpless was a source of profound excitement. There was nothing sexual in my five-year-old head, but my heart beat faster, my breath came shorter, and I felt a tension in the pit of my stomach--all things I would one day associate with sexual ardor. I was torn between a child's glee at her own clever hiding place and swelling desire to be caught, to have my cousin rip open the closet door, grab me by the neck and yank me out with inexplicable fury. Perhaps that was an odd thing to want. It didn't really occur to me at the time.

But it really started in the middle of the night on a rainy Saturday. I was in one of my antisocial moods and so I stayed in, watched a movie, that kind of thing. Restless, I went into a chatroom that I used to frequent often. Ostensibly a political debate channel, it (like many IRC channels) was in actuality a sort of casual hangout spot for a regular crowd plus the occasional visitor, and the conversation rarely turned to politics.

This time, however, there was a debate raging between several newcomers and an old regular that I never knew well. It was about smoking in ...

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